Superstition

It you’re superstitious you have to stay real alert all the time, and you have to know all the technical superstition rules, like “is a baker’s dozen good or bad?” And it helps to know things like “if a black cat crosses your path in front of you, you still have time to change directions, but if it crosses behind you you’re fate is sealed" (so don’t ever look back!)

Some situations are harder to figure out, like the other day when I walked under a ladder and immediately wondered, “can I back out of this situation, or would that only make things twice as bad?” Then the other day I accidentally broke a mirror and I thought “Oh no, seven years bad luck!” But then I thought “Wait a minute ...what I actually broke was a medicine cabinet. Maybe that’s a loophole.”

I know, both those things didn’t really happen the other day, but I like to say “the other day” because that way you can never be pinned down on specifics. I would make a terrible witness in a courtroom situation, but keeping it vague is a good policy if you don’t want to get in trouble for something you might have done on a specific day.

“Was that Tuesday when you used my bathroom Randy?”

“No, it was the other day …and I don’t know nothin’ about your broken medicine cabinet!”

And for the record America, I wasn’t trying to snoop in that medicine cabinet. I was just trying to point the mirrors so I could see a whole bunch of me going in both directions. By the way some people have way too many prescriptions in their medicine cabinets. Unfortunately we've become a drug happy country. We need to dial it back a little folks. I like the old adage “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” but actually any similar sized object when thrown correctly can repel a doctor. Apple growers don’t want you to know it, but I’ll tell you “a rock a day” works just as well (probably better!)

Well that’s all I’ve got for now. Be healthy, don’t step on any cracks, and don’t throw rocks at doctors in glass houses, but if you do watch out for the mirrors. Good luck everyone!

Beef Jerky

As some of you may know, I’ve been living as a quasi vegetarian for almost a year now, eating primarily vegetable, fungus, and fish matter with feigned enthusiasm to support my wife’s new “let’s see how old we can grow” healthy lifestyle strategy. Well today I was in the kitchen searching the lower cabinet’s snack selection of sweet-potato chips, dried fruit chunks, bulk granola, raw almonds, yogurt raisins, etc. when way in the back, behind the natural sea salt chips I spotted a bag of beef jerky ...beef jerky? Wholly smokes! My head went on a swivel to make sure I was alone. My heart started pounding. I suddenly felt flush. "Beef jerky, how long have you been back there little guy?”

Okay, I had to act fast. Luckily we men are always in touch with our lizard brain, and though dormant for much of my adult life I found out today that my primal instincts have remained razor sharp! I immediately remembered being in a very similar situation at one other time in my life, and just like that day long ago when I was only twelve years old, I grabbed the dirty magazine, er I mean the beef jerky, and ran to hide it in a place where only I would have access to it, and I’m sure I’ll be going back there often to retrieve it in the coming days. In fact I feel like going back there right now just to look at it.

Just knowing it’s there gives me a warm feeling inside. Umm, let’s just keep this our little secret …okay?

The Vanishing Habitat of the American Voting Booth

At the risk of sounding nostalgic, I can still recall the days when voting booths roamed free across our great land, from the Eastern shores, through the Central plains, over the Western mountains, to Washington State, and beyond. I remember when volunteers would herd those early species, like great gray mastodons into school auditoriums, and various community centers on Election Day. I can still see my neighbors lining up to visit the armor-skinned behemoths, and I can still see the docile gray creatures waiting patiently for each citizen to cast his or her ballot. I can still hear the levers flipping, as votes mechanically clank into place. But most of all I can still see and hear those curtains close and open as the biggest and seemingly most important handle on the old machines were pulled, and pulled again. One by one citizens were swallowed up and then released by the gentle giants, and what happened behind the curtain was known only to the voter, and to the now extinct metal beast.

Just for the record, I live in the last county in Washington State that still lets you vote at a polling place. All other counties have gone to mail-in voting only. I do not like mail-in voting. I do not like it one bit …but soon I will have to adapt, or like the poor fellows above face extinction.

Attitude Change

Today I found myself on the corner of Damn it and Crap,
trying to catch the first bus out of Shitsville,
but wouldn’t you know it I didn’t have the correct change!

And the moral of my little story is:

If you want to get to a happier place,

you’re the one who needs to make the change.

No one else is gonna make it for you.

J. of W.W.J.D. Fame

 
Today's Thought for Christians:

I hear a lot of people asking “What would Jesus do?”

but I don’t see very many people actually doing it.

 ~

Today's Thought for Christians was sponsored by:

Jesus the Movie

The ultimate my dad can beat up your dad story

   

Na na na, na na na, na na na na na na naaa... ♫♪ The Day Chicago Tried ♫♪

In the interest of toning down the violent rhetoric, and as an olive branch to Sarah Palin, the word “died: has been removed and replaced with the word “tried” in the sappy parody below. That’s right the parody that was obsolete before it was even complete:  “The Day Chicago Tried”  

Your turn Sarah.

Anyone Need an Unused Parody?

Hey Green Bay Packer fans, if you're looking for a song about kicking some Chicago butt I'll sell you this one real cheap. It turns out that Seattle won't be needing it:

The Day Chicago Tried ♪♫

(sing to the tune of: The Night Chicago …passed away, kicked the bucket, met its maker, ceased to breath, D.i.e.d.)

In the chill of a winter morn
In the land of the dollar bill
When the town of Chicago tried
And they talk about it still

When the town of Al Capone
With their fingers made of foam
And a lot of empty talk
Met the forces of the Hawks

♪♫

I heard Jay Cutler cry
He blew the play the day Chicago tried
Brother what a sight it really was
Brother what a fight it really was
Glory be

I heard Coach Lovie cry
I heard him pray the day Chicago tried
Brother what a sight it really was
Brother what a fight it really was
Yes indeed

And the sound of the battle rang
Through the seats over Soldier Field
'Til the last of the whooped Bears gang
to the Seahawks had to yield

There was shouting in the street
And the sound of running feet
And I asked someone who said
That the Hawks got in their heads

♪♫

I heard Jay Cutler cry
I heard him pray the day Chicago tried
Brother what a sight it really was
Brother what a fight it really was
Glory be

I heard Coach Lovie cry
He called the plays the day Chicago tried
Brother what a sight it really was
Brother what a fight it really was
Yes indeed

And there was no sound at all
But the clock upon the wall …tick, tock, tock, tock,
Then the door burst open wide
And Pete Carroll stepped inside
And he kissed Seattle’s face
And the Bears left in disgrace

♪♫

The day Chicago tried
The day Chicago tried
Brother what a sight the people saw
Brother what a fight the people saw
Yes indeed!