As some of you may know, I’ve been living as a quasi vegetarian for almost a year now, eating primarily vegetable, fungus, and fish matter with feigned enthusiasm to support my wife’s new “let’s see how old we can grow” healthy lifestyle strategy. Well today I was in the kitchen searching the lower cabinet’s snack selection of sweet-potato chips, dried fruit chunks, bulk granola, raw almonds, yogurt raisins, etc. when way in the back, behind the natural sea salt chips I spotted a bag of beef jerky ...beef jerky? Wholly smokes! My head went on a swivel to make sure I was alone. My heart started pounding. I suddenly felt flush. "Beef jerky, how long have you been back there little guy?”
Okay, I had to act fast. Luckily we men are always in touch with our lizard brain, and though dormant for much of my adult life I found out today that my primal instincts have remained razor sharp! I immediately remembered being in a very similar situation at one other time in my life, and just like that day long ago when I was only twelve years old, I grabbed the dirty magazine, er I mean the beef jerky, and ran to hide it in a place where only I would have access to it, and I’m sure I’ll be going back there often to retrieve it in the coming days. In fact I feel like going back there right now just to look at it.
Okay, I had to act fast. Luckily we men are always in touch with our lizard brain, and though dormant for much of my adult life I found out today that my primal instincts have remained razor sharp! I immediately remembered being in a very similar situation at one other time in my life, and just like that day long ago when I was only twelve years old, I grabbed the dirty magazine, er I mean the beef jerky, and ran to hide it in a place where only I would have access to it, and I’m sure I’ll be going back there often to retrieve it in the coming days. In fact I feel like going back there right now just to look at it.
Just knowing it’s there gives me a warm feeling inside. Umm, let’s just keep this our little secret …okay?
One more time you have me laughing out loud.
ReplyDeleteYour secret is safe with me.
OMGosh...LOL...REALLY loud (and poor Fred is trying to sleep)...and yes, your secret is safe with me too!!
ReplyDeleteDo you really believe no one saw you?! Wives and mothers have a sixth sense about these things.
ReplyDeleteBesides, maybe it was your wife's hidden stash of beef jerky. If so, that warm feeling you have will turn to cold chills when she finds her jerky missing. ;)
Well the secret was safe until Pam showed up (typical mom;)
ReplyDeleteUntil further notice me and the beef jerky are back on the run.
If it makes you feel any better, we've been doing the "queasy" vegetarian thing since the beginning of this year. So far so good. It's got a name now, we're called "Flexitarians."
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm sure when summer comes around I'll be craving BBQd chicken...
BTW, I think the jerky is your wife's stash. Have you noticed that she spends long periods of time in the bathroom?
ReplyDelete