Well it’s been awhile since I’ve given out any relationship advice, so you might want to turn off the TV set, shush everyone in the house, and pay special attention.
When you boil it right down, everything you can possibly say to your spouse, or significant other can be separated into just two categories: 1.) the truth, or 2.) a lie. While we all know that mixing these two is fraught with danger, most of us attempt it anyway. So like a Wild West stagecoach filled with nitroglycerin crossing the Rocky Mountains with one square wheel we forge ahead, and act surprised every time we get blown to smithereens. Well now with the help of my patented new third category you can trade in that square wheel for another round one, or at least an oval one. Now instead of being forced to choose between a truth and I lie, you can opt for a mumble®.
Please allow me to demonstrate: After an hour of getting ready to go out dancing, my wife walks up (hypothetically of course) and asks “Does this dress make my butt look big?” “It looks great on you dear,” I say “but it does looks a little rumpy.” I just told the truth, but because I’m an accomplished mumbler, what she heard was “Looks great …but it looks a little rumpley.” So she happily goes to iron it and returns ten minutes later. “Is this better?” she asks. “Yes” I say “it’s not rumpley at all now” and off we go, with no explosions.
My patented mumble® system can also help you communicate with all the other important people in your life. Just sign up for my free seminar today and soon you’ll be able to make your boss think you just called his fat ass inane idea fascinating. That’s right, with a little training you can say what you really think, and still get that promotion you’ve always wanted. Buy my 2-CD set and you’ll learn how to mumble breast into best, and buttocks into botox. You’ll learn when to say “big as sole” and “each hit” with satisfying results, so order today, before that next visit from your mother in law. You’ll be glad you did.
This is absolutely hysterical! The reasons: There's a whole lotta' truth to it, and you guys are all alike.
ReplyDeleteNow I know why Jon mumbles all the time. He probably bought your 2-CD set. The only problem is, I have ears like a cat, which is why he's usually in trouble.